The Bay Area's Joke Writer Column

Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut

WASHINGTON, DC. Deeming the move "regrettable but necessary," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card announced Monday that Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao's work hours will be scaled back to 30 per week starting Jan. 26...

  —read full story at The Onion

British Parliament Accused of Plagiarizing US Senate Bill S.576

WASHINGTON, DC. At a press conference Monday, members of Congress lambasted the British House Of Commons for "blatantly ripping off" Senate bill S.576.

"It is impossible to deny the similarities between Parliament's Regulation Of Depository Institutions Act and our own S.576, the Financial Regulatory Reform Bill," said Sen. Phil Gramm...

  —read full story at The Onion

Fluffy and the Screenwriter

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--"

"Wait, wait. Back up a minute," The man says. "My agent called?"

Heaven and Hell

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

"Wait a minute," cried the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."

Best True Headlines

What is the best true headline ever to appear in an actual newspaper?

A. In the opinion of Dave Barry, columnist for the Washington Post, that would be a headline from the Petersburg (Va.) Progressive-Index, over a story about a mishap during the 2001 Bike Week gathering of motorcyclists in Florida. The headline, which was sent by an alert reader Mary Ellen Lloyd, says: "Skydiver lands on beer vendor at women's cole-slaw wrestling event."

Other finalists included:

An article from the Watertown (N.Y.) Daily Times stating that the Lewis County Board of Legislators had authorized the creation of a petty cash fund "for the weekly purchase of dry ice, used for incest control."

An article from the Harrisburg (Pa.) Patriot-News headlined: "Smoking organ causes stir at nursing home."

  —Read full story by Dave Barry at the The Washington Post